5:35 AM
I'm broken in a lot of ways, but this maybe the worst. I can only seem to concentrate on how bad it hurts. I wake up before the sun does and always before you. That says quite a lot, but I always end up with the resolution that I don't want it to be through. I put my heart in your hand and I thought with it too. I gave it to you bandaged and somewhat healed, then you dropped and kicked it too. Then for you to be so immature and be so quick to assume. You never once stopped to think, maybe it was you who brought all these dark clouds filled with so much gloom. And as bursting with precipitation as they may be, I'll never replenish your land. So you can go stand and rise above me again. This was exactly what I was frightened of, getting involved and waking up alone once again. I stuck my hands in too deep this time, when you weren't even my man. I sink back into my bed, while I know that savage part of you has been feed. I'm sorry I ever gave you the satisfaction, but now it's time for me to put this plan into action. So that maybe, I can get some traction. Stop slipping and sliding back and into you.At night when I wake up alone, I only want to need to want it to be through.
Something like an epiphany, maybe even an epilogue.
It just occurred to me, you say you know my favorite love story. But all at the same time, you can't be that for me. I used to say, shame on you. But NO shame on me." It was smoke in the air before, now it's me clearing it. "
I keep saying that all I want is just someone to love me + accept me for who I am. But that's entirely untrue.
I'm writing this to apologize for my ways.
I have been doing the very thing I hate the most. I never can seem to understand how you can give your all to someone + show them how much you care, but then at the end of the day. They still don't want you. All at the same, time I do it to you continuously. And you're not the first, I seem to only do it to the sincere ones. And I've had to work up the nerve to say this, because I didn't want to address it. But you know me + you know writing is my speciality. I'm sorry for not feeling the same way you do + for seeing you hurt at the fact the I'm hurt. The one thing that kind of stuck with me from my psychology class was when one of the lessons said, "most of the time we like the things that like us back." And the only reason that stuck with me was, because I totally disagree. We only seem to like or love for that matter, the things that tear + break us.
And even then, we seem to find our way right back to it again. And again.
What it is about that girl, Aye.
So here are 25 things you may or may not know about me.Aye.
1. I sometimes get my lower case D's + B's mixed up when I write.[Kindergarten issues]
2. I could eat peaches + Philadelphia Cream Cheese for the rest of my life. Yes, I eat them both TOGETHER.
3. I have a fetish for men with scars. And I SERIOUSLY have no idea why.
4. Almost every time I eat something sweet I have to eat something salty or savory RIGHT after. And vise-versa.
5. Not knowing scares the living crap out of me.
6. I hardly ever listen to my mind. My emotions are my brain.
7. I stare into space alottttt. It strikes at the most random times. Ex. I might look in the direction of someone and my the time I snap back into it. The person is looking at me like I'm crazy like, "Wtf, are you staring at me for!?"
8. I can't do the #2 when someone else in the room. No matter how bad I have to go.
9. I have been a cheerleader for 5 years and if you asked me why I do it. I could NOT give you a straight answer.
10. I have this thing with people touching me. I feel super uncomfortable if you like link arms with me while were walking or touch me while your talking to me. I literally feel like I'm going to explode if the person doesn't get off me.
11. I've gotten to the point now that even if my dad is sober. I still don't like being around him.
12. I'm so afraid that one day I'll regret #11.
13. I cry even when I can't point out what's wrong. And that bothers me.
14. I break out in hives when I'm extremely stressed.
15. When something hurts really bad, my neck + armpits start to itch, horribly. So imagine me hitting my toe on the edge of a chair, then moving around scratching my neck + armpits like I'm a crackhead. lmaooo
16. The one person in the world who I believe to be right for me is scared of commitment.
17. I have HORRIBLE stretch marks, but I've learned to accept + kinda love them. Plus, guys love 'em. lol.
18. I think guys who need prescription glasses are sexy. Hence, why I would marry Lupe Fiasco. ;)
19. I get these out of no where cravings for sushi.
20. My dream job is to work for NYLON magazine or for Janelle Monae.
21. When I get really excited I dance uncontrollably in my room. But most times I hit my knee or foot on my dresser. So I stop. lol.
22. I hate air forces with a passion. They are like the most ugly + uncomfortable shoe I've ever owned.
23. I have a strong obsession for leather bracelets, ikat + navajo prints.
24. I had ears like Dumbo when I was little. Now my ears are extremely small. Personally, I think I grew into them.
25. My best friend's name in India means "Pimp". [APC]
Soooo. I've been looking for a pair of oxfords + I told myself if I was gonna get them they were going to have to be the perfect pair. Well, looks like these babies fall no where near short of perfect. I'm a giant [5'3" lmaooo], so I needed a little height, but something sorta kinda athletic. How about Vans come out with the the exact combo. I will be going to the nearest Journeys very soon and coping myself a pair. ;)
Well, on the flip side.
I haven't blogged AT ALL, about my hair. Which is completely ironic, seeing as in how much I talk about it on a daily basis. But I am going natural + I've been transitioning for 9 months [082009].
Oooooo, + lemme spill the beans on my first kinda experience with natural hair.
It's bombb I promise.
Well, I had to detangle my hair and I figured I'd try sectioning + braiding it along the way. I didn't feel like taking it out after I did all that, so I slept with it. It dried and when I took it out, it was so cool! It was like a crinkly fro. So my Kera [Heffalump]
Fateya + Kera came to get me + immediately they were like "Omg, I love your hair." Which was surprising enough. Then when we got to the pool, my friends James + Tavon, were like "Yo, I like that. Ya hair cute. " All this was to my surprise. I wasn't expecting anyone to really say anything.
So, I've concluded that if you carry yourself with confidence [despite how many times I've heard it], then ppl will respect you for that.
Btw, I miss my swagg. :(
And when the time is right, you and I will blossom and fly way in the wind. Together.
I want someone who I don't HAVE to paint my nails for. But, when I do he'll tell me, "baby that color is beautiful with your skin". Someone who will lessen the stress instead of add to it. Make me laugh, when I wanna cry. Play with my fingers and hair. Kiss me on the eyelids and forehead. Be more than supportive of me not being the typical "light-skinned" girl. Sit with me on stormy nights and talk in the dark. Listen to music he's never heard before and listen to me babble on + on about why I love it so much. Just because he loves to hear me talk. Will go to the airport and watch planes take off with me. Will pick me up when he hugs me. Will send me texts even after we get off the phone and were supposed to be asleep. He'll take my bags even though, I tell him I'm fine. Will understand and respect my need for space, sometimes. Won't call me weird, because I like older music better than the horrible stuff out today. Someone who will let me just keep all his basketball shorts, because when I come over he gives me some so I'll be comfortable. T-shirts too. He'll trace the outline of my lips, before he kisses them. No exactly where all my beauty spots were and have a favorite one. Someone who will put all the extra sauces and ketchup in the bag when he gets me food. Because he knows that I drown my food with condiments. Tell me how much he loves how I smell like caramel or a baby. Help me with my homework, even though he has no clue as to what he's doing. Like the fact that I'm not always ladylike. He know I'm quite the tomboy. Pick me up something, because he thinks it'll look good on me. Even though I won't wanna accept it. He'll except and LOVE the fact that I'm not a slut and I don't pass myself around to every guy. Someone who isn't all about the physical, but when he is about it. It's passion at it's finest.
He'll break down the low expectations I'll have for him.
And exceed them beyond belief.
But of course, this is after I've found myself again.
"Never see it coming, you just get to see it go." - Drake
P.S. Thunderstorms are meant to be shared with someone playing July by Drake.
This was how you and I were together.
Every flat, sharp, or natural played in my mind.
Whenever I was with you.
These little moments, tarnished and left over.
Recycle all over again.
I can't say this to anyone else. Because, everyone else would tell me that your no good for me. But it just sucks to know your the best and the worst all at the same time. A box full of letters, old messages, and pictures that always seem to magically pop up just when I think I've forgotten. A scent that may remind me of you. How my mind could be everywhere but on you, but then something happens and all of a sudden I remember riding in thee backseat. Or sunlight in your eyes then a kiss.
It's sad, because I know there's better than you. And because I have this little piece of me that still wants to wait and see. And because I won't accept it. And your sitting here telling me that you lay awake at night and just think sometimes. And that's supposed to NOT get to me. You can't say those kind of things to a girl and then expect it to carry on like nothing ever happened. Makes me wonder do you even know what love is.
Because when I think about it, if you wanted to prove to me so much that I'd trust you again. Why didn't you run after me when I walked away? I mean maybe that was a part of why I did walk way. To see if you'd chase me. Because it seemed to me that you'd become comfortable with the idea that I was in love with you. And I had to let you know I was tired. So after all that, now you wanna tell me.
I pray to God it's all or nothing. Because, I can't take anything in between.
"And I wonder, if I was built this way"
I painted my nails and put rollers in my hair. Just so for a moment, maybe I could feel like myself again. Who do we become once we lose ourselves and will we ever be who we once were ever again? It's obvious that I'm having a hard time trying to find laughter inside myself and walk around like everything's okay.
But that's okay too. I know this year has been really hard on me and I have to applaud myself for getting through it. I want so much and I'm gonna get it.
E.O.D EndOfDiscussion. Point________.
Once you've had everything you've ever wanted. It's hard to come back from that. Especially after it's gone.
3years3months10days.
This brings back a lot of memories.
In fact.
Too many.
I even miss how Kanye West used to look so sweet.
It's funny how time changes.
And things stick around.
And remain the same.
Raised by her mama who. Hates her baby father so. She don't have a problem with. Saying fuck a niqqa quick.
- Diary, Wale
The curls in my face. The thoughts in my brain.
You know that field behind my house. It's beautiful to me. But I can't help but think someone was supposed to be sharing that thought with me. Someone was supposed to be walking beside me, with our hearts and footsteps matching. Someone was supposed to be there telling me to stop scratching my eyes, because my allergies were bothering me. Someone was supposed to be there telling me what they wanted out of life + that I agreed. And wanted those same things too. There was supposed to be someone there that made me feel just as good, if not better than the sun + the wind that graced our faces. Someone who tugged as much as I did for "us" even though we had seen many beautiful people and places. That we could have run off to.SomeONE. Maybe the footsteps weren't there. Maybe they were. Or maybe I'll hear clacking very soon or eventually. But the hearts were always there. In line with one another, but lying discreet.
I'm just pretending not to wait for someONE to come sweep me off my feet.
Past tense.
Past tense.
Past tense.
And more past tenses.
I take notice we keep using thee wrd, had.
I wonder is tht all it'll ever be.
I dnt wnna fall in love tonite. I just wnna sway frm side to side. Rest my arms on two welcoming shoulders. With my eyes closed. Blowing subtle and hopeful sighs into thee side of a neck. A bass guitar, some trumpets and a piano or saxaphone, for all I care. It doesn't matter as long as it's smooth. And someone is just there.
Just as long as it will take me away. Far frm here. With our bodies like magnets. All close. 'cuz tht force drew you to me from way across there. It may have been just hw your eyes looked calming. Tht made it okay.
Let's be clear. I dnt wnna knw you. I just need you to be thee stranger tht I need. But just rock with me like this is thee millionth time. Keep tht balance as we keep our balance. To the sounds of tonite. If you feel uncomfortable or feel smthng more. Dnt wrry bc thee sng is over. But thn we look around, and we've got an audience. They clap and think we're star-crossed lovers. They're somewht right, there is tragedy among this situation. Bc we dnt even knw each other.
It was just a slow dance. Just a slow dance.
This is really all I wnt right nw. It's sad bc I used to wnt so much more. Now, I wnt less. Makes me wonder.
Have I turned into metal.
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Asking myself. Is this your way of staying away.`Cuz you knw wht happened thee last time. I'm proud of you though. For sm reason I feel like you've chnged. + I feel like you've grwn + learned frm your mistakes.
Maybe, this is it.
" God bless the man who embraces that a woman can be as strong as a man. " - Zoe Saldana
" THOSE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TURNED INTO METAL OR MACHINES OVER TIME AFTER GETTING HURT, I HOPE IT ENCOURAGES THEM TO GET OUT OF THEIR MINDS AND FEEL AGAIN. "
- ERYKAH BADU'S INTERVIEW FOR NYLON ON HER ALBUM NEW AMERYKAH, PART II: RETURN OF THE ANKH
DearEmotions,
I beg of you, dnt get wrapped up in it. Nt saying tht you are. I actually thnk your doing pretty well. Your nt hoping too much. + nt expectant of nethng. But to be honest, is tht a bad thng? Have you become metal? Are you stuck in one gear? Have you become thee hidden part of your ancestors? Is this wht you are nw? I'm hoping tht this isn't thee beginning of your intertwining into tht fabric tht wrapped this persn so well. So lng ago. I hope tht if it is, you realize nw + dnt let yourself get to far in this thng. Bc we both knw tht once it starts tightly coiling and molding itself, it won't stop. You have to keep your composure. If nt it'll be set dwn deep within + thee removal process is a tedious one. Tedious + rather lonely. We dnt wnt tht again. Scratch tht. We dnt need tht again.
So all I'm saying is, rebuild tht deep heartbeat tht used to be there. Tht was so feeling.'Cuz I'm starting to hear it's echo again. Rebuild it up, so tht can become softer, willing to accpt thee one tht is truly made to accompany it. But all thee while make it stronger thn in thee beginning. Let it become louder thn it shall ever be.
Emotionsprotect+rescueme.
Please stay, cuz they got nothin' on you bby.
Imma be tippin' on thee tightrope, until thn.
Cuz they tried to take all my dreams.
But you cnt allow tht.
Cnt allow it bby.
I'd just like to apologize for being gn so lng. But dnt wrry.
I'm here.
Aye's bck! ;)
Beautiful girls all over the world
I could be chasing but my time would be wasted
They got nothing on you baby
Nothing on you baby
They might say hi and i might say hey
But you shouldn't worry about what they say
Cuz they got nothing on you baby
Nothing on you baby
I could be chasing but my time would be wasted
They got nothing on you baby
Nothing on you baby
They might say hi and i might say hey
But you shouldn't worry about what they say
Cuz they got nothing on you baby
Nothing on you baby
Serious up.
Story of my nite.
" I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three. "
I don't want to play games. Gimme a yes or no answer. I'm not asking for anything complicated. Like I really want to. Yes or no. That's all I want.
What you don't know, does hurt you.
" Now even though I try to play it off I'm thinking `bout you all day long + I can't wait for him to come through. "I'm just gonna say.
I wish I could hold you thee way I dream of every night.
Ahhhh. The air in the house already feels like it does during the summer. TGIAS. Otherwise known as ThankGodIt'sAlmostSpring. I feel happy for no reason. It's the weather. :)
AyeisforAtticus.
I just changed my domain name.It reminds me of kindergarten for sm reason.
I just wnna say it over + over again.
Aye is for Atticus.
Aye is for Atticus.
Aye is for Atticus.
Lmao.
I promise I'm done.
But Atticus, because I don't wnna be afraid anymore.
I wnt for myself thee satisfaction of living for what I believe in.
Nt even that.
Just living.
Like Atticus Finch in To Kill A Mockingbird.
In it's finest, like Thoreau.
It's another late night.
I've got alot on my mind.
As usual.
Including smone*, who may or may nt even knw their there.
In thee pits of my mind.
Gudnite.
*So you'll knw: Your forever on my mind. You'll never knw hw complicated this is for me. In saying that, it's simple. It's complicated, because I wnt soooo much with you. Sharing is truly caring.
AssertionJournal#5.
I wnna get rid of this lazy mood, I've been in lately.It's really making me tired.
4:07 am isn't exactly bed time on a school nite.
This is a randm blog.
No 1 topic.
+ Even though, I should be doing my assertion journal for AP3.
I'm nt.
Last nite, was the best nite I've had this year.
Lmao, tht makes it seem like it's been forever.
It's only Feb.
Newho.
Chili's + thee movies[Shutter Island] widd H I M<3.
The brightness of my teeth showing as I smiled thee entire time.
Lit up thee nite.
I forgot about everythng.
He makes me do tht, whn were tgthr.
He annoyes me smtimes.
But I love every minute of it.
+ usually whn smone annoys me, they get ignored.
He'd better be glad, he's special. :D
Last nite, brought bck memories too.
Like thee nite of the homecoming game. 100209.
I was soooo tired tht nite.
I feel asleep during the game. lmao.
He gave me the tightest hug.
+ thee feel of his face brush against mine.
Like cashmere.
Ooooo, + my birfffday. aka. thee best birfffdayy I've ever had.
Seriously.
We walkd to the chinese place + ate.
Thn sat in Subway + tlkd.
Sounds simple.
It was.
But it felt like more thn tht.
Thn thee night we were sitting in his room tlking.
+ I told him, I just wasn't motivated + as determined as I used to be.
Thn he looked at me, wrapped his arms around me + said I love you.
I swear, it sounded like he meant it.
Hw, I wrote.
I love you my retarded little brother on his dry erase board.
Whn he askd me did I thnk we were gnna be highschoolsweethearts.
God.
Im getting beside the point. lol.
Just knw.
He makes me blush.
Literally.
Ask Aaron. lol.
Btw, I love Aaron Patrick Crews to effingg life.
He has to be like my bestie.
I hope he reads this. :)
I did a chat todae widd a lady frm the Art Institute.
It really is a good option for me.
+ I hate whn I have those moments.
Whn I thnk I should drop Audio Engineering + Production as my major.
But, thn I love thee moments whn I feel like there is nthng else out there for me.
I'm thinking about double majoring.
It's alot of wrk.
But, like I said.
I'm thinking.
Like Audio Engineering + Psychology.
Idk.
I need to get bck widd my $tack Dough fam too.
Lol, shoutout to Kil, Devon, + Kadeem.
I gotta hot hook.
Like seriously. lol.
But ummm.
It's 9:05, + I still haven't done my assertion journal.
Oh crap face.
I can be such a procrastinator.
++OhWhtIWishWeCouldBe
I knw I want smthng more with you.I knw this, because.
I wnna knw your pain.
Meet up.
Shake hands with it.
Become close.
EvenwhnIhavemyown.
I hate thee taste of my tongue when it gets swollen inside my mouth.
+ I cnt say nethng.
+ I feel this rush of overwhelmingness.
Usually, this happens whn Im about to hear smthng.
Tht I knw is gnna hurt me.
Inside.
+ my heart feels like it's about to burst out of my chest.
Then whn I finally do come bck.
I'm left breathing extremely hard.
Mentally + emotionally exhausted.
I dnt like this feeling.
I wish I could send it bck to wherever it came frm.
Where tht may be.
Idk, but I thnk I have a clue.
However.
Tht's anthr story for anthr day.
+ I cnt say nethng.
+ I feel this rush of overwhelmingness.
Usually, this happens whn Im about to hear smthng.
Tht I knw is gnna hurt me.
Inside.
+ my heart feels like it's about to burst out of my chest.
Then whn I finally do come bck.
I'm left breathing extremely hard.
Mentally + emotionally exhausted.
I dnt like this feeling.
I wish I could send it bck to wherever it came frm.
Where tht may be.
Idk, but I thnk I have a clue.
However.
Tht's anthr story for anthr day.
PB+JSandwichThoughts.
ohkay , so I'm pretty sure nw .I've come to thee conclusion , tht I just dnt want a lomography camera .
I need one .
Spontaneity is smthng tht is soooo welcomed in my life right nw .
+ a diana or holga is just the right amnt of it .
+ I can get it whn I need it .
Sucha plus .
Unlike dealing widd a persn .
I dnt wnt thee ups + dwns .
So .
I love + hate thee fct tht me + memories have a lovehaterelationship .
Mmkay .
Lemme explain .
I hate 'em, because their unforgetable . They never go away . They haunt me .
I love 'em, because I would never knw wht nethng else feels like without thm . I wouldn't knw thee difference between feelings without thm .
Memories are thee only thng tht separates . Well keeps me connctd to a lot of thee thngs tht I wnna let go of .
I knw Im complaining like it's a huge prblm .
But in reality , I dnt wnna forgt . For fear I may never knw nethng like it anymore .
Nt remembering tht I once had tht feeling, shared a moment, lived a dream .
Memories are like tht lover you could do without , but you knw tht there will always be sm prt tht remains .
Never chnging + embedded in your life .
You cnt erase thee past or go bck and chnge it .
Memories are just a reminder of this .
So .
It's safe to say , I love memories .
Smtimes in a painful way , but I've learned a lot frm thm .
So to my life , I owe thm . I am forever obliged .
LoveChoseMe . <3 .
I told you I couldn't sleep .Tht's because my mind wouldn't let go of the thght of you .
+ sleep wasn't possible .
So here is my thghts of you at 9 in the a.m .
Last nite .
Or shall I say this morning .
My heart was back to how it used to be .
I never thght love felt so gud at a quarter past 3 .
+ I never thght love would ever choose me .
To represent it's finest wrk of art .
Or as we say God's .
It must be Pleasure P , because whn I go under your spell .
I'm exactly where I need to be .
Must be smthng like a slice of heaven .
Or like Grandma's homemade .
You just make life tht much easier + all my prblms just seem to fade away .
Like a ship at sail towards the horizon .
Everythng you offer is so refreshing , spontaneous + surprising .
I seem to have tht thng called " newness " like Musiq .
Every wrd of encouragemnt frm you I can apply it to my life ,
I always find some way to use it .
+ as dawn slwly approached , the light frm your txt msg reflected off those tears tht form whnever I'm truly happy .
I have to admit this is smthng rather crzy .
Me falling in love again ?
At one point seemed impossible or even improbable .
But I guess love did choose me .
To represent it's finest wrk of art .
You + me .
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