WhereI'mSupposedtoBe.

WhereI'mSupposedtoBe.

I'm sitting in my sweats + a hoodie .

At thee computer .

Skullcandies in .

Listening to Versis's Spitting in the Wind .

The bass carrying me away .

Slight violin making me realize .

I get back tht determination whn I got smthng to vibe to .

Only wishing I could create smthng as beautiful .

To make smone feel as gud as I do .

I was scared at one pt tht I didn't wnt this enough .

How could I make this into smthng tht could take care of me .

But in reality , it always has + always will .

It's always been a part of me .

It is wht sets me free .

This is where I'm supposed to be .

Mmkay .

I'm done spitting . lls *

Funny , how hot tht is + I didnt' even write it dwn first .

So unexpectd .

Amazing how wht comes from thee heart sounds so gud .

But l8ly .

I been tryna get myself back .

I finally thnk I got thee solution .

Scratch tht .

I been had thee solution .

Just hadn't been using it .

I cnt disguise thee fact tht I was born to let thee world hear my music .

+ I cnt disguise the fact tht if I dnt create music for a living , my heart wont be complete .

Today is thee first day in a long time , tht I felt like me .

Man .

Did it feel gud .

* I'd like to thank Full Crate, FS Green, Versis, Mar + other artists tht have contributed to my little " SOUL SEARCH " today .

IAmTrulyanUngratefulSoul .

IAmTrulyanUngratefulSoul .

Super-cute . + futuristic . Looks like smthng off of The Jetsons . lls *

Pricetag ; $ 110.00 *

* at UO .

Mixtape .

Mixtape .

I'm downloading a mixtape .
Idk how it's gnna sound .
I just needed an upgrade whn it comes to my iPod .
+ I suddenly realized I neglect my diary , because of blogspot .
Tht is kinda sucky .
Excuse me I digress .
But I dnt evn knw hw I write half thee blogs tht I do .
My mind is almost incapable of staying on one subjct .
I thnk I'll just say everythng I'm thnking about .
This is a first .
Probably a last .
Because I knw it's a lot .

Setting up my digital camera , my boyfriend , my U.S. History prjct , college , stupid ppl , wht I want to be + become , why I sometimes stress over thngs I cnt cntrl , how wht I dnt knw scares thee living shidd outta me , psychology + how I wish so badly I could figure ppl out , wht's going on widd me + my mom , how I wish thngs were simple , how I miss being little , wht happened to my happiness widd myself , wht happened to my determination , why I get drained so easily by thngs tht used to nt bother me , how excited I am about going natural , how I just wnna be loved , why I dnt feel like I give my all nemore , how I hope tht thee thngs I have done haven't messed myself up in my future , how much I wnna let go of certain thngs + just be rid of thm for good , but I cnt , why I complain sometimes , how much I wnt some pullover sweaters, flannels, + a nixon the newton watch , have I chngd permanently + is this is who I really am nw , how I'm just nt sure , why I second guess myself + thn mess up , because I second guessed myself , why I care about ppls feelings , how my family is going through hard times , I thnk my heart has up a wall , + I cnt get nethng out or put nethng in , my father , wht my boyfriend really thnks of me deep dwn inside , where he wnts our relationship to go or become of , how good this feels to say exactly wht I wnt , how cold I am , literally , where I'll be in 5 or 10 yrs , wht will I def major in , in college , how I'm gnna pay for college , why I'm being so slack about college , why everyone is excited about it but me , how I dnt wnna grow up as fast as I am , how I wnna press rewind + cherish thee moments I dnt thnk I cherished enough , + how I'm stopping this list rite nw .

Btw , I dnt even knw where thee mixtape is saved to on my computer .
Have a way better day thn I am ppl .
I need some UO *

AllesWatIkWil.

AllesWatIkWil.

Jij bent alles wat ik wil

M´n schatje liefje mi habibi

Ja je man is real

Over gevoelens dushi gudu

Voel hoe veel je t´aime

Ewa zina let´s ride tonight

Dan gaan we op en neer s´ochtends weer

Morgen weer een dag voor jou en mij

Y O U ' R E A L L I W A N T .

X XXII .

SomethingNew .

SomethingNew .

I don't have thee slightest idea of how I come arcoss to you .

+ there is so much I want to share with you , but I find myself stuck when it comes to putting it in the right words .

As I've told you before , writing is my strong point .

I feel like that's one of the best ways I can let you know how I feel .

So here it is , just as I said it would be .

I want you to know that , I no longer want to be a part of my past relationships anymore .

I just simply don't want it .

I know that because , I'm no longer sore about anything .

The pain is gone .

+ I just want to start over .

+ to be honest , I would really love to do that with you .

I'm not looking , for anything too complex or too simple .

Because it's a busy time in both of our lives + I know you've got a lot going on for you .

+ I know how important those things are to you .

I must say that is one of thee things I really like about you .

Your determined + you want nothing in your way .

That being said , I want you to know how much I support you .

+ how much I wanna be there for you .

I swear you have no idea , how I really feel about you .

I don't know if this is too much , too soon .

So when I feel like it's thee right time .

I'll ask you to read it or I'll tell you .

+ I know you've been in a relationship in which you really cared about thee person .

As have I .

+ I want you to know that I'm not trying to be her , because I know I can't + will never be .

I don't want to put words in your mouth or be quick to assume .

So correct me if I'm wrong .

But from what you've said , I know you ask yourself what could've happened .

+ honestly , I have no problem with that .

Because , I know thee feeling .

However , I must admit it makes me a little scared .

Just because , I don't want to lose you .

But , if you felt like that is what would make you happy , I can't + won't stand in thee way of that .

+ I know you have to build trust .

But if somethings on your mind , I want you to be able to come to me if you need me .

I don't want you to be afraid of me .

I remember telling you , " I want to build something with you , even if you don't feel thee same way . I want to build something with you . "

I still feel that way .

But like I said , I have no idea where I lie with you .

Or how I come across to you .

Basically , I want you to tell me exactly how you feel about me .

So I don't have to wonder .

Juxxoneofthosedaysyaknw. . . .

Juxxoneofthosedaysyaknw. . . .

I never got to say wht I wntd to say . . . .

Basically, becausee you wouldn't let me .

Believe it or nt .

I am very srry + I never wntd to hurt you .

Nthngg wrkd out thee way I wntd it too .

+ because of tht I feel guilty whnever I'm happy .

I had originally told myself tht I wasn't gnna do tht .

I had said , " Tht's grimey + I knw tht would hurt if smone did tht to me ."

I even tried to hold bqk my feelinggs .

Smthngg I usually do neway , because I'm always consideringg other ppls feelingg before mine .

But as time wnt on .

It got worse .

I'm nt thee typee to do thnggs over thee phone or through txtingg .

So I figured , I'd tlk to everyone face to face .

You go to anthr school , so did anthr persn .

Alongg widd me tryna figure out whn it was thee right time for thee othr persn .

Or tryna make sure I didn't stress myself out widd it .

You see .

So regardless , of whethr or nt you thght I was thnkingg about your feelinggs .

Or everybdy involved in thee situation for tht matter .

I actually was .

+ half thee time tht's my prblm neway .

Thnkingg of othrs before myself .

Basically , thts thee reason whyy I feel guilty whn I'm happy .

Because I knw someone else got hurt in order for me to be happy .

I didn't do nethngg out of spite or to hurt you .

Thngs juxx happened in a way I didn't expct thm to .

Because trust me , I was blindsided juxx as much as you were by my feelings .

But I didn't write this to be a best-seller or nthngg like tht .

I juxx had to say how I felt about it .

Even if you never evn read it .

I had to say how I felt .

Lemme get a J O B !

Lemme get a J O B !

Lomography Diana Deluxe Package .

Pricetag : $250.00

Forbidden Likingg .

Forbidden Likingg .

" I really like what you've done to me . I can't really explain it . I'm so into you . "

I love thee fct , tht I can look youu in thee eyes . + youu look bqkk . Or maybe thee fact tht wherever we are our eyes seem to meet at exactly thee samee timee . I swear I feel likee a little kidd . Like I gotta hugee crushh on youu or sumthngg . I cnt get outta my head how crzy thee situation is . It's so wrngg , but everythngg about it feels so right . I look at thee way your bdyy moves whn youu wlkk . I notice thee curves of your bqkk + nqkk . Watchingg your muscles is a daily routinee for me . + it's nt likee I'vee said nethngg to ne one about hw I feel about youu . They see it in thee way I smile + look at youu . Ppl juxx noticee . Omggg + whn youu hug me + your face brushes against minee . Tht feelingg never gets old . Nt to mention , were on thee same level as far as priorities go . Everythngg about it is so refreshingg . It feels good to knw your nt juxx anthr guy who doesn't knw wht he wnts for his lifee . I can be thee cornball I really am around youu , no coolness requiredd . Nthngg fakee or phony . Juxx thee feelingg of how I feel likee I'vee knwn youu my wholee lifee , a sense of completion + satisfaction .

FS Green Interview . <3

FS Green Interview . <3

Isn't he juxx beautiful .

Anniversary .

Anniversary .

To be extremely truthful . I dnt undrstnd why thee world wont accpt black women widd natural hair . Or why someone looks at you funny for having a afro or puffy, curly hair . It's a personal choice , but in my opinion a very self-liberating + awesome one . I decided to stop getting relaxers on August 20th, 2009 aka this past summer . + today is my one month anniversary . I juxx thght I'd tell me + my about an inch, tightly curled new growth C O N G R A D U L A T I O N S . + I'm proud of myself for staying strng .

I thnk this is wht I wnt on eithr my bday or Jesus'.

I dnt thnk I realize how fast time is going by + how much i should cherish each moment .

These pictures symbolize some of thee best moments in my life . I wish I could do it all over again to appreciate it more . All thee while knwing I'm gnna look bqk l8r on + say thee same exct thng about now .

Obsession prt 2 .

Obsession prt 2 .

I'm reallyyy gettinggg pisseddd widdd how blgspt is makinggg me typeeee this heree .

But , If you'veee readdd Obsession prt 1 .

Youuuu alreadyyy knw whyyy I lovee this cameraaa .

I'm nt gonnaaa do a lot of explaination .

I juxx dnt feel likee it right nw .

So Immaa juxx copyyy and pasteee theee features frm theee websitee .

MMKAYYY !

Features include: 5.0 Megapixel resolution; 4X digital zoom; Video mode, which captures motion in AVI format; an easy-to-use options menu; a 1.5" TFT/LCD display at the rear; 32MB of internal memory; an SD card slot to expand your memory up to a whopping 8GB; USB interface with included cable; compatibility with Minox's Classic Camera series flash; rechargeable long-life Li-Ion battery. Comes complete with a leather camera strap and a classy wooden display box.

Obsession prt 1 .

Obsession prt 1 .

So on myyy usual trippp to likeee myy favourite in theee cosmos [ yes I knw favouriteee is spelleddd wrnggg I juxx likeee spellinggg it tht wayyy ) websiteeee http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/ . I ran across this bbyyy ; The Lomographyyy Diana Dreamer . I usuallyyy go for digital , but I figureddd whyyy nt spenddd moreee moneyyy on 120mm film whn theee pictures lookkk likeee a pieceee of heaven . Nt to mention ; the flashhh andd theee lenses for night scenes . But even thoughhh theee titleee says " Obsession prt 1 " . It's nt . It's actuallyyy prt 2 . B.c this is theee 2ndd cameraaa I'vee fallen in loveee widdd frm theee websiteee . Theee first is theee Minox Leicaaa Mini Digital Cameraaa ; so reallyyy prt 1 is prt 2 . If tht makes ne senseee anddd youu can comprehinddd wht I juxx saiddd . O_o . But I immediatelyyy fell in loveee widdd the Minox Leicaaa bc of it's classic lookkk but modern features . It seriouslyyy looks likeee smthnggg frm the 1800's or theee earlyyy 1900's or smthnggg . But wht I didn't fall in loveee widdd was theee $350 priceeetaggg . Ummm ; yeahhh . But theee Dreamer is onlyyy $65 . But thts beforeee film , lenses anddd all tht . So somehow somewayyy I'm wrkinggg myyy patootyy off to get bth . Dnt knw how , but I'm tryinggg . So Immaaa shw youuu whyyy I wnt theee Dreamer . I thnkkk you'll agreee .

P.S. Tht means lookkkk at theee 3 pixx aboveee . I was lookinggg for thm to be hereee . But ohhh well . =)

Phoneee Notepadds .

Phoneee Notepadds .

Saturdayyy, Jul 25 6:39pm .

Likeee wtf is wrnggg widdd me .

I'm so independent tht I dnt even acknwldgeee thoseee who reallyyy careee for me.

I dnt wnt to ingnore thm ; I'm juxx useddd to gettinggg throughhh lifeee byyy myself widdd littleee helppp frm othrs , tht I dnt bothr to giveee credit to thoseee who actuallyyy giveee

Saturdayyy, Jul 25 6:49pm

a shiddd .

But likeee I saiddd wtf is wrnggg widdd me .

Everybdyyy got issues ; smtimes youu dnt recognizeee youuu haveee 'em.

Now I do .

Saturdayyy, Jul 25 6:51pm

But at thee samee timee I do thngggs for othr ppl anddd consider their feelingggs over myyy own.

I never thght I'd be usinggg myyy own quoteee on

Saturdayyy, Jul 25 6:53pm

myyself .

" Thts baqkwrdds ."

But thts a wholeee nthr prblm for a wholeee nthr dayy .

Immaa juxx sayyy ;

I'M NOT A GOOD PERSN WHN IT ACTUALLY COUNTS .

FS Green . <3

FS Green . <3

I reallyyy woulddd likeee to marryyy him .

I am seriouslyyy wrkinggg on dwnloadinggg all his mixtapes.

Whichhh is totallyyy freee btw. =)

I often fantasizeee about wrkinggg widdd him.

Anddd I prollyyy woulddd freezeee uppp if I were to ever met him faceee to faceee.

He is oneee of thee most talenteddd producers I haveee ever seen in myy lifeee.

Btw ; theee first pictureee is theee sexiest thnggg I'veee ever seen in myyy lifeee.
I thnkkk I'm fallinggg for a DJ.

I get thesee moments whereee I reallyyy feel likeee I'veee figureddd out thngggs.
Anddd i feel likeee for a tinyyy milliseconddd lifeee isn't hrddd.
Or I dnt haveee to wrryyy for a chngeee.
Thn usuallyyy ; smthnggg is brought bqkkk to myyy attention anddd tht moment is destroyeddd.
I'm juxx kindaaa tireddd ; of trynaaa figureee ppl out.
Anddd as baddd as this sounddds ; I'm tireddd of beinggg theee bigger person.
For onceee ; I wnt myyy prideee to get in theee wayyy.
I reallyyy dnt wnt to be niceee for a chngeee.
Anddd all this is cominggg frm smthnggg tht is reallyyy pettyyy.
But smtimes it reallyyy does takeee smthnggg small ; for a lightbulb to poppp uppp.
I haveee realizeddd tht I careee entirelyyy too muchhh.
I wondr will i feel this wayyy to thee point wheree i won't be ableee careee enoughhhh.
Ppl dnt seem to careee how niceee youuu areee ; they'reee juxx lookinggg for smthngg to takeee.
For their own benefit.
I'veee got a headacheee.
I'm juxx goneee sayyy efff it.
andd as a last wrddd.
It's no fun gettinggg shiddeddd on .

NthnggtoSayy.

NthnggtoSayy.

I knw theee titleee is contradictoryyy.

" He's juxx widdd me b.c he doesn't wannaaa losee me , nt b.c he reallyyy wnts to beee widdd me . "

I knw theee quoteee is kindaaa contradictoryyy too . but if you'veee ever been widdd smoneee who doesn't appreciateee youuu . Youuu mayyy knw wht it means.

Cashhh Rules Everythnggg Arounddd Meee.

Cashhh Rules Everythnggg Arounddd Meee.

i starteddd to writeee this bloggg last niteeee ; but i was to lazyyy to get to theee computer.

=T

but i was writinggg out someee pprs for awards tht i get in theee mail likeee every othr dayyy, weekkk , etc.

anddd thereeee is a section whereee youuu describeee to thm your higher education goals anddd how thoseee goals benefit youuu.

well i tolddd thm myyy goals andd basicallyyy i saiddd tht i wntddd to get myy Master's Degreee so tht wayy i coulddd landd a higher payinggg job whichhh woulddd makeee me moreee [$$$;) to supprt myself.

thn i got to ponderinggg.

thn i was likeee theee real reason tht we go to collegeee isn't to get moreee of an education.

it's to get an education so tht we can earn moreee moneyyy.

anddd i saiddd to myself it suqkkks tht we let printeddd green ppr determineee our lives.

but thee wrlddd is how it is.

P.S i L0VEEE THiS T-SHiRT. i THNKKK i'M G0NNAAA GET iT. =)

Wht a wonderful worldddd ;

Wht a wonderful worldddd ;

"Take the meanest and most restless nigger, strip him of
his clothes in front of the remaining male niggers, the female, and the nigger infant, tar and feather him, tie each leg to a
different horse faced in opposite directions, set him a fire and beat both horses to pull him apart in front of the remaining
nigger. The next step is to take a bull whip and beat the remaining nigger male to the point of death, in front of the female
and the infant. Don't kill him, but put the fear of God in him, for he can be useful for future breeding."


"We have reversed the relationship in her natural uncivilized state she would have a strong dependency on the uncivilized
nigger male, and she would have a limited protective tendency toward her independent male offspring and would raise
male off springs to be dependent like her. Nature had provided for this type of balance. We reversed nature by burning
and pulling a civilized nigger apart and bull whipping the other to the point of death, all in her presence. By her being left
alone, unprotected, with the male image destroyed, the ordeal caused her to move from her psychological dependent
state to a frozen independent state. In this frozen psychological state of independence, she will raise her male and female
offspring in reversed roles.
For fear of the young males life she will psychologically train him to be mentally weak and dependent, but physically
strong. Because she has become psychologically independent, she will train her female off springs to be psychological
independent. What have you got? You've got the nigger women out front and the nigger man behind and scared. This is a
perfect situation of sound sleep and economic."


Sounddd sleep anddd economic huhhhh ?

I'ddd bet your thnkinggg whereee in theee heqkkk didddd i get theee ideaaaa or theee courageee to put somethnggg likeee this uppp hereee.
Well, first off whn i readdd a certain bloggg calleddd Colour Struckkk.
by wheresari.blogspot.com
It set smthnggg off in myyy headdd.
Anddd all i coulddd seem to thnkkk about was how right sheeee was about theee entireee situation.
henceee; theee reason for writinggg this.
p.s. i giveee her likeeee 20k props for tht bloggg.
i swear it's theee most e c c e n t r i c thnggg i'veee ever readd in myyy lifeee.
But i left her a cmmnt on it.
anddd i referedd to "The William Lynch Letter; The Making of a Slave".
Becauseee all thee thngggs in her bloggg areee basicallyyy explainedd by this letter.
Anddd if youu readdd the abovee quotes.
Youu can see whyyy.
I readdd this letter wayyyy bqkkk whn i was in middleee school.
Anddd I didn't understanddd it until now.
Of courseee ; whn youu get older youu understandd moreee.
Anddd i realizeddd tht i am too a victim of settingg myself in box.
I am of a lighter complexion.
Anddd by her bloggg ; I noticeddd how manyy times a guy saiddd, " man; your skin colour is sexyyy."
Or how manyy times thee ppl at school call me " Cherokeee " juxx becauseee I have a reddishh undertonee.
How manyy times I'veee saiddd, "Well, I have somee Indian in myyy fam."
Thn i thght whn i readdd her bloggg.
Whyyy does it matter.
Thn after tht I thght becauseee, Whyyy wouldn't youuu wannaaa be tht muchhh closer to whiteee whn your wholeee ancestryyy was raiseddd seeingg thoseee of a darker complexion beingg killeddd, beat, andd torn apart byy two movingg horses.
Andd to me it all makes senseee.
It's all about mental control.
Saddd part is we as the African American raceee haveee yet to stoppp this brain washinggg that it's worseee havingg darker skinnn thn lighter skinnn.
I knw someoneee who got piqkeddd on becauseee she wnt all natural widdd her hair.
Now her hair is "nappyyy".
Anddd ppl kept tellingg her to get a perm.
Truthhh is their hair looks likeee tht underneathhh all thosee chemicals too.
So myyy last thnggg to sayyy is;
I wonder whn all this will stoppp.
Andd whn we'll be comfortablee widdd our own natural skin colours.
MLKJr. woulddd nt bee so proudddd.

seriouslyyy likeee blahhhh !

seriouslyyy likeee blahhhh !

fact; i juxx ateee a bowl of cereal tht gaveee me a sugar rushhh likee h e doublee l.

fact; this is myy first bloggg on blogspt. obviouslyyyy.

im trynaa figureee out whether its better thn tumblr.

but i thnkk tht i need to giveee this a littleee moreee timee.

beforeee i makeee tht decision.

last niteeee i went to whaqkkk partyyy.

anddd this morninggg i wokeee up feelinggg likeee a zombieee.

fyi; i tookkk a benadryl.

now im sittinggg at homeee.

kindaaa madd b.c. i was supposeddd to get myyy hair didddd !

but i haveee no ideaaa wht content theseee precious blogggs of mineee will contain.

i juxxx knw they'll prollyyy bee juxxx a random as this.

stayyy tuneddd.

-A y a n aaaaa.